Part two. Read part one here.

Surgery day came. We started it with prayers of protection and then headed out for the event. As we neared surgery time, the doctor popped in to say we were ready to go. I clearly remember him saying he just finished up the same surgery on the woman before me and I was next, “piece of cake” he said.

Seeings that it was a three hour surgery, I told my husband there is no reason for him to sit and wait around. I had a list of errands and asked if he would do them while I was in surgery. Remember six kids at home , so running errands is no easy task. To go by yourself makes multiple stops go so much faster. He was happy to oblige.

I remember going into the OR and the next thing I knew I was waking up in recovery. The nurse was talking to me about something or another. If you had asked me I would have told you surgery went great! I actually woke up feeling better then I had going into surgery, the pain was less.

What I didn’t realize was that when Joel (my husband) got back to the waiting room, the receptionist was waiting for him. She immediately pulled him into a little room and told him that someone wanted to talk to him. A doctor soon came in and filled him in on the “excitement” that happened while he was gone.

Apparently, my heart stopped during the surgery. They called a code throughout the hospital, started chest compressions and gave me some sort of recovery med. Which let me just say, the next two weeks every time I sneezed or coughed my chest hurt, so I know that something had happened. My incisions were fine, it was my chest that hurt!

Anyways, the doctor assured Joel that there had been some overreaction to the situation. They should have just stopped putting the air in and my heart would have restarted on it’s own. It wasn’t as terrible as it sounded.

Basically, I had a reaction to the air that was put into my abdomen. (As a side note, my previous surgery I didn’t need air put into my abdomen so this was a surprise element. ) The air going into my abdomen cause a vagus nerve reaction which stopped (or nearly stopped?) my heart. It’s not a common reaction but it’s also not unheard of.

Later, the doctor told me this reaction, a vagus nerve stopping the heart, only happened one other time in his long career of surgeries. It gave them all a scare. They almost didn’t do the surgery. I told him I was SO glad he moved ahead with it. I would have been SO disappointed to wake up only to find out we needed to do this all over again.

But I admit, it was a very surreal feeling. I have thought often of it. The thing that I’m left with is this, I’m not afraid to die. If I had died, I know that I would be with God in heaven. My salvation is sure. My trust and faith in God the father, is secure. Jesus is my hero, long before surgery he saved me from death and gave me new life. To worship him in his radiant presence, the joy and peace that is there… I long for that day!

But I’m still here. And I’m thankful that God allowed me to still be here for the sake of my children and husband. And it’s this strange feeling of, it’s not a big deal, and yet it’s was, it’s hard to wrap my head around. If I had died, it would have been fine. I trust God that he would have taken care of my children and husband. He loves them more then I ever could, my deep love for them is just a small reflection of his great love for them.

It’s also strange because maybe it really wasn’t a big deal. No big deal, your heart stopped, don’t get sentimental over it. But I believe there was a purpose for all of this to happen in my life. I don’t really understand it yet. Maybe it was to strengthen the faith of my children or someone else. Regardless, I pray God will receive glory and honor in the way that He allowed this story to be written.

Looking back, if you had told me 15 years ago I would deal with infertility and then a hysterectomy, I would have lost it. I would have curled up and had a massive anxiety attack and depression would have set in. But God is so gracious. He has gently brought me on this journey and in the midst of the hard times he has been revealing himself to me and exposing my need for him. I am not the same girl that I was 15 years ago.

A lot of work was happening in my spirit as I anticipated surgery. It was a time of reaffirming my trust in God as I walked out a diagnosis that was anything but wonderful. I refused to doubt his goodness, I couldn’t. In June 2019, I knew I was heading into surgery and I was dealing with all the emotions of that. I wrote this in an Instagram post …

“I spent the first 20 plus years of my life living under a spirit of fear. I know anxiety well. I know shame well. But I am rejoicing today because I know the freedom of Christ! Yes, I still fight against anxiety and fear, no it no longer controls me. I have overcome because I had an encounter with Jesus Christ. I can tell you exactly where I was and what I was doing when I suddenly realized he knew me and loved me more then anyone else. It rocked me. I can always go back to that moment. I know that I know! That moment was the start of my release from fear’s grip. Fear, the kind that cripples and shames, is not from God. I learned to start renouncing that spirit of fear, in the name of Jesus. When you verbally call on the name of Jesus your enemy has to flee. The Bible says, “greater is he that is in you then he that is in the world.” I experienced that power first hand and I’m thankful. Bondage is no way to live. To live in Christ, is free indeed! I keep learning that I can not control this life that I live. So much is out of my power to change or manipulate. But I can face the unknown with courage and hope because no matter what happens in this world, I am God’s and he’s got me. Yes, I cry and get overwhelmed and I get angry and I make bad choices and I still sin. But at the end of the day, death means being swooped into the presence of God, my savior, my father. And friend, if death has no fear over you…what have you left to fear?”

I know that I am growing stronger in my faith and trust in Him, and that is by his grace. I can not take credit for his pursuit of me. It makes me weep tears of unworthiness and joy all at the same time. Please know this, the freedom in Christ, His love for those who love him, it is not out of reach for you. No matter your history or background, you are not without hope as long as you breath life on this earth. Seek him , repent of sins, claim him as your Lord and then start walking out your love in your obedience to him. Read his word, pray, worship. He desires that you be saved.

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